True love, sometimes.

True love sometimes doesn’t look like walking hands in hands with each other.

True love sometimes doesn’t look like going on coffee dates together, hanging out together.

True love sometimes doesn’t look like reading romantic novels together or going on shopping spree together.

True love sometimes isn’t going to the beaches to watch sunsets together.

Sometimes,
True love is watching the one we love, rest their head on the shoulder of the person they love.

-Aahilic Aish

And you stand there, and smile.

Smile, knowing it’ll never be you.

Smile, knowing they are happy with somebody else.

Smile, knowing their happiness matters the most.

Smile, knowing they can never be yours, but you’ll always be theirs.

Always.

-Aahilic Aish

My Heart Attack. <3

I don’t have regrets per se, when it comes to you.
But If I was ever asked, whether I told you everything, I won’t be able to promise that. Because, there is one thing, one clip from my life, that I didn’t tell you about. Just one. This dates back to July 2k19, when I was supposed to undergo a surgery.

I had already made up my mind to not tell you that I love you, wholly, most platonically, not lustfully. I was pretty much stern on that decision of mine. Atleast at the start of it.

But soon enough, my mind, and my heart started fighting, and deducing the pros and cons of whether I should tell you about my feelings. Against my active will to do so.

The night before surgery, I wrote up a long, really long paragraph to send you, thinking I might/not come out of the surgery alive. It wasn’t like I was being a pessimist. No. I was being a realist. ‘Cause all through my life I have always explained my patients that every surgery carries risk, and can go hay-wire.

Anyway, Just before the surgery, I chose to not send it to you. I ended up deleting the note, and the night before the surgery, and on the day of surgery too, I spent my time, trying to make my heart and my mind, at peace. I couldn’t.

My heart was, unusually, stronger than my mind this time. And it didn’t want to rest until I had told you how I feel about you. I resisted the urge, until the time of surgery. Though you, the feelings I have for you, and the thought clashes between my heart and mind, stayed with me, until the time of surgery. I couldn’t help it.

Even when I was being given anaesthesia, my whole attention was directed towards my heart, who kept shouting, to take a minute out of my time, before dozing off, and I felt like quickly taking out my phone and texting you that I love you. But I chose against it. And I could finally feel my legs going numb, first. Then I dozed off, as the anesthesia hit me fully.

I woke up, quite later than expected. Around 12 or 14 hours late, to the beeps of the machine, the sounds are too familiar to me, owing to my regular stay in ICUs for my clinical rounds, and patients care, and I also notice, the beeps are not regular, they are fast paced. I recall them to be the the beeps that sound when the heart is into tachycardia.

Immediately post surgery, I am supposed to be hypothermic, and bradycardic. My heart was doing the opposite!! And then your thought ran through my mind, yet again!! The machine started beeping faster now.

Immediately post-injection, the beeps slowed back towards normal rhythm, and now into bradycardia, and Now i start to shiver, violently, owing to hypothermia. Still numb.

Its around 2 or 3 in the morning, and I take my phone to text you that I am fine. I see your message, you kinda freaked out that I wasn’t responding to your messages post surgery. I smile, vaguely, as I put down my phone, and thoughts about you start to run again.

I keep dozing off, and waking up. Everytime, to your thoughts. My heart just doesn’t give a crap about my condition. I still feel for you. And my heart, keeps reminding me about it.

I had no idea my heart was so much against me, and attracted to you, more than me. So much to an extent that it was ready to give up on me, ready to kill me, but not ready to leave your thoughts.

It was a constant struggle between me, and my heart. I kept telling my heart, that it has to give up on you, because thinking about you, and how you never reciprocate, appreciate, and respect my feelings enough, was what was killing me. It was killing my heart. I was into tachycardia, and my blood pressure shot up to an extent of 210/180!!!
Like damn heart, just give up, but no!

That was the time, I actually wanted to live, my mind wanted to give up on your thoughts, mostly temporarily, until my heart was stable enough to let me live. But my heart, just won’t listen. It is not giving up on you.

One day, I woke up to an extreme chest pain, profuse sweating, and crushing pain. The pain, very similar to a heart attack! They checked me up when I complained, and I was given a sublingual, to control my heart. Thrice.
It didn’t work to an extent it was supposed to.

My heart rhythm, kept going out of control, I was losing consciousness. I could see them bringing in the defibrillator, and I still had your thoughts! My heart chose to let me die, but wasn’t ready to let go of the love I had for you. I felt betrayed!!

I didn’t know what to do, to live. When I had to fight between living, and giving up, I always had a survival instinct. So I chose to live.

I came up with an idea, hoping it works. I chose to write this up, and I convinced my heart that you had my password, which I had given you, with the excuse, “If i die, read the posts I wrote for your birthday, but read them only on your birthday”, I tell you.
And I tell my heart, that you’ll finally know what I feel, so my heart can finally rest now.

Slowly, but steadily, my heart, does stabilize, finally.

But that was the day I knew, my heart, wasn’t mine, anymore. May be it never was. This piece of shit was ready to give up on me, and kill me. I hate my heart now. Forever. For loving you, more than me.

But do I have the courage to tell you? No!

1. Because, my heart might never know, but I have accepted the fact that you might never love me, maybe. It might be wrong for me to even expect you to understand my love, it’s depth, and extent. That, I know.

2. Because, the fear of losing you has always been greater than the joy of loving you, or being loved by you.

-Aahilic Aish

Realizations…

I lay there, with my heart going crazily mad. With my heart rate fluctuating, and my blood pressure shooting upto an extent where I feel I am having a heart attack.

And, then, it hit me hard, that nothing really matters, when we die.

You just close your eyes, as your heart gives up, you see doctors who are trying to save you desperately, fade away, into the light. And there, right at that moment, it’s over. It doesn’t matter anymore, what you feared, what you achieved, where you are, what or who you were.
Nothing matters.
Your fears? Gone. Love? Gone.
Hatred? Jealousy? Sadness that you always clinged on to? Gone. Everything.

This made me realize, nothing matters. We don’t have to kill ourselves, overthinking about anything, anybody, or any situation.

Ready or not, things will happen, it will have consequences, or results, but as long as we live, we always have a chance to rebuild it, its never too late.
There is no need to kill ourselves by being depressed over things, situations, or people we have no control over.

Life, is as long as you are alive.
Everybody dies. Why not live an actual life, before dying?

-Aahilic Aish

A life with love, respect, compassion, less hatred, jealousy, and a tad bit of understanding.

Take up that passion. Forgive. Love. Be humble. Give up on those fears. Go take up that job. Understand each other. Stop taking things to heart. Let go. Bloom. Breathe. Survive. LIVE.

NB– I am still recovering. My heart function is still quite weak from the blow it took. But now, my vision of how i see the world is stronger than ever.

I learnt to let go of things, circumstances, toxic people, the negativity, the toxicity, and the cloud of anxiety, and sadness that followed me previously.

Meet the new Me.

-Aahilic Aish

Blemishes of life, without you…

I miss your presence way too much today. Your lessons, encouragments, love, positivity, support. I miss your shoulder and how it was always available for me, how your arms always held me, how your lips curved on seeing me, how you couldn’t see me in pain, or in problems, how strong you made me.
I wish i had you here.
It’ll all be alright, they said. Days turned weeks, weeks into months, and years. Nothing is alright. 4 years. I still miss you, everyday. It breaks me everyday to look for you, and not find you. Till date, i rush home, when i am happy or sad, or dull, to tell you my day, i miss you, like i miss my life with you.
You meant the world to me, and when you left, so did my world.
Now, i know the difference between being alive, and just breathing. I know you meant no harm, you never could, but you are my first love, my true one. You taught me love, to bend, to not break, to apologize when wrong, to not let our ego in between. You taught me to be me. You knew you had a daughter, and you saw me no less, you taught me everything you taught bhaiyya, and bhai. You make me, me. But without you, i am still a Zero, a Nobody, a non-existent. You taught me to serve what’s right, you taught me kindness, humanity, loving, caring. You never told me to do things, you always set an example. You did everything, and i followed behind. Like a guiding light. You gave me freedom, the thing that most girls only dream of, freedom to do things as i like, freedom to dream, freedom to be, freedom to choose whomever i wanted, and the freedom to think and find solutions on my own. You never forced your decisions on me. You made me think of pros, cons, the goods and bads, and the after effects, and then take decisions. And most of all, you taught me responsibility. You pampered me to the core, and confronted me too. You pushed me to do things, but always had my back, you knew when to hold my hand to make me cross, and when to leave me to be. You made me strong, by always staying by my side. And then suddenly, you weren’t anymore. And now i have nowhere to be. Nobody to go to. Am left all alone in this brutal world. The world that you saved me from, earlier.
Today, i fight my own battles, i get injured, i take breaks, and get back to my wars, but you are still not here. Though you gave me everything, even the strength to fight this world that stands against, you didn’t teach me how to live, without you Baba.
There is, still, not much left in this world, without you.
-Aahilic Aish.

Life…

Friends,
Family,
Parents,
Enemies,
Relations,
Fears,
Dreams,
Feelings,
Emotions,
Health,
Illness,
Wealth,
Happiness,
Ambushes,
Trust,
Love,
Laughter,
Entertainment,
Depression,
Elation,
Manners,
Literacy,
Breaks,
Tensions,
Heartaches,
Drama,
Responsibility,
Crushes,
Problems,
Fakes,
Its all Life….

-Aahilic Aish…

Life…

We are never contented with what life has for us, we always think other’s life is better and all the pains and sufferings are in our lives only.
Trust me, stop anybody on their way and ask, everybody has some or the other problems,  they have pains, sufferings, but that does not stop them from living their life.
They have bigger problems than us, what do we have? Relationship problems? Trifty parent-child relation? Sibling rivalry? And what’s else?  There are lots other problems in this world, to this people, but we are self centred enough to feel our pain Only.
Some people out there have lost their sons in the wars, some lost their wives to diseases, some lost their daughters, some one’s beloved has commited suicide,  there is no world peace, there is no humanity left, people who lost their limbs, or may be eyes, deadly diseases, and viruses, These are more complicated issues, ours are just too small to be even counted. Dont you think?
You complain of food you don’t like, while others die of hunger,
You complain of transportation, while others walk miles,
You complain of using the same phone for a year, while some people die with out communications,
You have air conditioned living, while other struggle for roof over their head.
You take things granted, while others desire for it!
Always look at the bright side, think of the less fortunate people, it makes you kind and humble enough not to complain.
Life is what you make of it, to bring in the positivity, you have to be positive, eradicate negativity, in your actions and thoughts. Help out people. Smile, it rushes happy hormones in your body.
People may not always tell you what they think about you, but they always show, pay attention. …
Avoid people who don’t value you, life is too short to cry over such things, be with someone who values you, who knows your worth.
Be your own instrument to peace and love. Love yourself, nobody loves somebody who doesn’t love himself first.
This world is a mix of people, here you will meet all kinds of people, but you can decide who to give time to, who is worth you.
Take courage and light up your darkness, your fears, make the impossible into a possibility.
Do not dwell in past, there’s a reason, why it is called Past, because it never made it to the Present. So why be depressed over things that do not exist now?
Be grateful to everyone who cames in your life, they are sent as lessons from beyond.
Life is just the way you see it,  stop making yourself feel that you are responsible for someone else’s mood or happiness. You Aren’t.
Try to feel things, feelings are important, honour them, ignoring/destroying feelings is the easiest way to destroy self respect, and also self love.
When you are confused,  just see where your mind wanders, when you don’t know where your heart is….
Stop crying over something that has ended, instead, Smile over new beginnings.
Difficult days are just to make you realize how beautiful your life actually is.
Even in the mess you make, there is a message, take it instead of blaming yourself.
Life is good, if you think it is.
Make the most of it, live your life on your terms, do not let someone have control over you and your life, stop shutting your heart out, live your life the way you wanted to, the way it was actually supposed to be, ‘de’complicate your life, like the way it was in childhood. Do not kill the child in you. Let it live and peek out every now and then, ’cause childhood is pure, and so is the child in you.
    “When you came to life, you were crying while the world laughed at you,
Live your life in such a manner, that when you die, you smile, and the whole world cries in your loss”
Thats what life is about….

-Aahilic Aish….