I don’t have regrets per se, when it comes to you.
But If I was ever asked, whether I told you everything, I won’t be able to promise that. Because, there is one thing, one clip from my life, that I didn’t tell you about. Just one. This dates back to July 2k19, when I was supposed to undergo a surgery.
I had already made up my mind to not tell you that I love you, wholly, most platonically, not lustfully. I was pretty much stern on that decision of mine. Atleast at the start of it.
But soon enough, my mind, and my heart started fighting, and deducing the pros and cons of whether I should tell you about my feelings. Against my active will to do so.
The night before surgery, I wrote up a long, really long paragraph to send you, thinking I might/not come out of the surgery alive. It wasn’t like I was being a pessimist. No. I was being a realist. ‘Cause all through my life I have always explained my patients that every surgery carries risk, and can go hay-wire.
Anyway, Just before the surgery, I chose to not send it to you. I ended up deleting the note, and the night before the surgery, and on the day of surgery too, I spent my time, trying to make my heart and my mind, at peace. I couldn’t.
My heart was, unusually, stronger than my mind this time. And it didn’t want to rest until I had told you how I feel about you. I resisted the urge, until the time of surgery. Though you, the feelings I have for you, and the thought clashes between my heart and mind, stayed with me, until the time of surgery. I couldn’t help it.
Even when I was being given anaesthesia, my whole attention was directed towards my heart, who kept shouting, to take a minute out of my time, before dozing off, and I felt like quickly taking out my phone and texting you that I love you. But I chose against it. And I could finally feel my legs going numb, first. Then I dozed off, as the anesthesia hit me fully.
I woke up, quite later than expected. Around 12 or 14 hours late, to the beeps of the machine, the sounds are too familiar to me, owing to my regular stay in ICUs for my clinical rounds, and patients care, and I also notice, the beeps are not regular, they are fast paced. I recall them to be the the beeps that sound when the heart is into tachycardia.
Immediately post surgery, I am supposed to be hypothermic, and bradycardic. My heart was doing the opposite!! And then your thought ran through my mind, yet again!! The machine started beeping faster now.
Immediately post-injection, the beeps slowed back towards normal rhythm, and now into bradycardia, and Now i start to shiver, violently, owing to hypothermia. Still numb.
Its around 2 or 3 in the morning, and I take my phone to text you that I am fine. I see your message, you kinda freaked out that I wasn’t responding to your messages post surgery. I smile, vaguely, as I put down my phone, and thoughts about you start to run again.
I keep dozing off, and waking up. Everytime, to your thoughts. My heart just doesn’t give a crap about my condition. I still feel for you. And my heart, keeps reminding me about it.
I had no idea my heart was so much against me, and attracted to you, more than me. So much to an extent that it was ready to give up on me, ready to kill me, but not ready to leave your thoughts.
It was a constant struggle between me, and my heart. I kept telling my heart, that it has to give up on you, because thinking about you, and how you never reciprocate, appreciate, and respect my feelings enough, was what was killing me. It was killing my heart. I was into tachycardia, and my blood pressure shot up to an extent of 210/180!!!
Like damn heart, just give up, but no!
That was the time, I actually wanted to live, my mind wanted to give up on your thoughts, mostly temporarily, until my heart was stable enough to let me live. But my heart, just won’t listen. It is not giving up on you.
One day, I woke up to an extreme chest pain, profuse sweating, and crushing pain. The pain, very similar to a heart attack! They checked me up when I complained, and I was given a sublingual, to control my heart. Thrice.
It didn’t work to an extent it was supposed to.
My heart rhythm, kept going out of control, I was losing consciousness. I could see them bringing in the defibrillator, and I still had your thoughts! My heart chose to let me die, but wasn’t ready to let go of the love I had for you. I felt betrayed!!
I didn’t know what to do, to live. When I had to fight between living, and giving up, I always had a survival instinct. So I chose to live.
I came up with an idea, hoping it works. I chose to write this up, and I convinced my heart that you had my password, which I had given you, with the excuse, “If i die, read the posts I wrote for your birthday, but read them only on your birthday”, I tell you.
And I tell my heart, that you’ll finally know what I feel, so my heart can finally rest now.
Slowly, but steadily, my heart, does stabilize, finally.
But that was the day I knew, my heart, wasn’t mine, anymore. May be it never was. This piece of shit was ready to give up on me, and kill me. I hate my heart now. Forever. For loving you, more than me.
But do I have the courage to tell you? No!
1. Because, my heart might never know, but I have accepted the fact that you might never love me, maybe. It might be wrong for me to even expect you to understand my love, it’s depth, and extent. That, I know.
2. Because, the fear of losing you has always been greater than the joy of loving you, or being loved by you.
-Aahilic Aish
Aahilic Aish 