A letter to the previous version of my souly.

Its 2 in the morning, and I am re-reading our chats from way back to 2017, and I realize, THAT was our time mahn! 2017 through 2018! (I know I told you I’ll not re-read them, I stopped re-reading them, but today, I let myself, because I miss us)

You know we used to chat, every second we were free, every time we had, and we talked about many things, without disturbing our routines, or letting it disturb our studies.

Along the way, when I look back to those, I realized I lost you somewhere (I think; Idk where though).

Oh! How I wish, I could have that you back!! ❤

Do you know there was a time, when I was mildly low, and you wanted to sleep, and you asked me, “Can I get a genuine smile?” :)) you had asked me to smile, maybe just to brighten up my mood, but those petty things bring a smile on my face, even now.
Its nostalgic, but rather a much sweet nostalgia.

Do you know, from feb 2017, through feb 2018, we have approximately 400 pages of word document, in small fonts, saved as our chats? 400!!!! Four freakingggggg hundred!

Something changed between us, I don’t know if I am the reason/ my childishness/ its just the role of time, but I would want that you back! Every second of every time, I would pray to have that you back.

You have now, grown so distant, detached emotionally, totally.
I miss you. I miss Us.

Selfish much? Maybe.

You ARE still here, just not the way you were then. Something’s changed. Something broke? Some part of you detached from me.
This detachment of yours, un/knowingly is changing me too, detaching me emotionally, from everybody, including you. More like giving up on life, like not feeling a thing now. An empty feeling. A void.

Those feelings of smiling, grinning, and blushing while chatting with you, are wayyy greater than these dark, detaching feels that I carry around now.

Save yourself. Save Us.
Let’s make it to the end together, Souly.
As lively, as we previously were. Please.
I would give anything to see us that way again. Anything.
I still wait, patiently, for your return comrade. But I am starting to get tired, I wonder how long before you return.
Get back Captain! :’)
~Tarbuz
-Aahilic Aish.

You can’t hunt down those who choose to stand back up!

It’s been a long time i chose not to fight my battles against you, thinking it was mutual, but i have my armour on now, and there is no turning back, this war is called for. It’s not just about winning or losing, it’s about who’s right, and i know you aren’t, ’cause i have never seen the courage in your eyes, the courage that the truth holds. You have always been one of those shoot from behind the bushes, and it’s time i hunt you all down, so i know my stand! It’s important for me you see, to look into the mirror and not be ashamed..

I know i won’t lose, ’cause no matter how many times you hit me, and you hit me hard, i’ll not back down

And,I don’t see how you can hunt me down, when i choose to stand up every time you shoot at me. Everytime, stronger than before.

-Aahilic Aish

Life…

We are never contented with what life has for us, we always think other’s life is better and all the pains and sufferings are in our lives only.
Trust me, stop anybody on their way and ask, everybody has some or the other problems,  they have pains, sufferings, but that does not stop them from living their life.
They have bigger problems than us, what do we have? Relationship problems? Trifty parent-child relation? Sibling rivalry? And what’s else?  There are lots other problems in this world, to this people, but we are self centred enough to feel our pain Only.
Some people out there have lost their sons in the wars, some lost their wives to diseases, some lost their daughters, some one’s beloved has commited suicide,  there is no world peace, there is no humanity left, people who lost their limbs, or may be eyes, deadly diseases, and viruses, These are more complicated issues, ours are just too small to be even counted. Dont you think?
You complain of food you don’t like, while others die of hunger,
You complain of transportation, while others walk miles,
You complain of using the same phone for a year, while some people die with out communications,
You have air conditioned living, while other struggle for roof over their head.
You take things granted, while others desire for it!
Always look at the bright side, think of the less fortunate people, it makes you kind and humble enough not to complain.
Life is what you make of it, to bring in the positivity, you have to be positive, eradicate negativity, in your actions and thoughts. Help out people. Smile, it rushes happy hormones in your body.
People may not always tell you what they think about you, but they always show, pay attention. …
Avoid people who don’t value you, life is too short to cry over such things, be with someone who values you, who knows your worth.
Be your own instrument to peace and love. Love yourself, nobody loves somebody who doesn’t love himself first.
This world is a mix of people, here you will meet all kinds of people, but you can decide who to give time to, who is worth you.
Take courage and light up your darkness, your fears, make the impossible into a possibility.
Do not dwell in past, there’s a reason, why it is called Past, because it never made it to the Present. So why be depressed over things that do not exist now?
Be grateful to everyone who cames in your life, they are sent as lessons from beyond.
Life is just the way you see it,  stop making yourself feel that you are responsible for someone else’s mood or happiness. You Aren’t.
Try to feel things, feelings are important, honour them, ignoring/destroying feelings is the easiest way to destroy self respect, and also self love.
When you are confused,  just see where your mind wanders, when you don’t know where your heart is….
Stop crying over something that has ended, instead, Smile over new beginnings.
Difficult days are just to make you realize how beautiful your life actually is.
Even in the mess you make, there is a message, take it instead of blaming yourself.
Life is good, if you think it is.
Make the most of it, live your life on your terms, do not let someone have control over you and your life, stop shutting your heart out, live your life the way you wanted to, the way it was actually supposed to be, ‘de’complicate your life, like the way it was in childhood. Do not kill the child in you. Let it live and peek out every now and then, ’cause childhood is pure, and so is the child in you.
    “When you came to life, you were crying while the world laughed at you,
Live your life in such a manner, that when you die, you smile, and the whole world cries in your loss”
Thats what life is about….

-Aahilic Aish….

The Cancer……

Life before it, was good!
As a family, we had fights, we loved each other, cared, spent time, life was imperfectly perfect.
And then, there came a day, she fell ill and had to be taken to a doctor!
After series of tests and scans, she was finally diagnosed with cancer…
Me being a 13 year old, was informed the last about her condition!
Actually, i learnt it only when she was taken to a cancer Institute for a thorough diagnosis, or a differential, i would say.
Even being 13, i felt it hard to explain it to my younger brother, what cancer actually was, so i understand how hard it might have been for my parents to inform me about that cancer stuff she had!
She was diagnosed with a ‘large malignant tumour, 4×6cm in size, metastatic in nature’
It was stage III cancer now, though she was diagnosed with it at stage I, she din’t really have time, ’cause she always kept her family before her, and her negligence led her to stage III…
Her husband took her cancer as lightly as he took her always, i remember him telling me, “Why does she has to waste money on expensive doctors and treatment, may be the lump is normal thing in beings”. It isn’t normal, how can he be so heartless?
She started seeing her oncologist from December after series of fights with her husband about it, finally agreeing that she will pay all the expenses herself!
She was ready to go under the knife only in February, after all her vitals were completely stabilized, her diabetes and blood pressure under control.
I loved her, but was not really close to her, until this, when i realized how she always was there, and we as children, never realized her worth! May be this was God’s way of making Me realize how much she actually meant in my life.
The date for her ‘Modified Radical mastectomy’ was decided now. It was 1st February.
She had to be admitted a week before, for all the scans and check Ups and to keep a tab on her vitals.
It was finally the 1st of February.
I was sad, sulking, depressed, but too shy to admit.
I dint break down, i had to be strong for my family, for her, i thought to my self.
As i was sitting holding her hand, i really din’t had any words to tell her, i loved her but  still couldn’t describe how i felt.
And her oncologist came along and nodded a yes for surgery.
As she lay there, to be taken to the Operation theatre, i realized how much she meant to me, i leaned over her and took courage and said, “I love you, i really do, i am sorry that i always troubled you, i promise you, there will be a new you and a new me, when you walk out of that surgery”, to which she smiled.
She was taken inside, as i sat there looking out of the window, the grey sky, i realized something, though she did everything, she risked her life, my family din’t realize her worth.
I could be sure of it, as i could see no one flunking the lobby near the operation theatre.
How can people be so mean? I mean nobody came to see her off, to make her feel a bit better, when she was in a battlefield like that.
After long hours of surgery, i could finally see her, she was still unconscious. I was then taken to look at the lump that was killing her, ’cause i had requested that earlier.
It was kept in an isolation box, i was sterilized before and after seeing it, as a precautionary measure. There was blood all over, i saw it, (i actually cursed), it was a large lump.
I went back, sat, she was on drip, and a draining tube through her chest. She was weak, fragile, and when she asked about her husband and family, i had to lie, that they came and was there, through the surgery and went just now as the visiting hours were over, she was happy, i guess so!
The doctor came, checked her up and declared her NCF (No cancer found)
I thanked God for it, fed hungry people, did everything i could think of, as a 13 year old.. ’cause i wanted her to be fine.
They kept her in observation for the next week.
She asked about her husband again, i said she was in observation, and the doctors din’t allow visitors, so they sent ’em back. She smiled, so did i.
She was discharged and we got home!
Took her to regular chemotherapy radiations, this was to avoid any recurrence of the disease. She eventually lost her mane, which she could grow back later.
Losing hair and vomitings, were the most common complains of radiations and therapy.
I saw her health deteriorating,  she couldn’t get off her bed, but her family wasn’t supportive, even now.
Her husband took her for granted, as always.
Her son, din’t value her still, he was mean, and din’t realize her sufferings, was still arrogant.
Years passed now, i am over 21years, i have completely fallen in love with her, i value her more than my life now!
She is still weak and fragile, but takes care of her family, still.
Her husband, is still taking her for granted….
Her children, still arrogant.
The only change cancer could bring, was in her (physically, mentally, socially), and in Me (emotionally).
The rest was all the same, before and after the cancer…. her husband, her sons, her work load…. That never changed….. and of course, her inner strength and courage.

-Aahilic Aish…..